


Silver Plate

by Pitch_Black_Outlet



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Attempted Murder, Childhood Trauma, Cutting, Drug Abuse, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Suicide Attempt, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26460025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pitch_Black_Outlet/pseuds/Pitch_Black_Outlet
Summary: A life stolen. A mind shaken and a heart's broken leads him to a world he was never prepared. He woke up one day to realise that time really is out of your hands.WARNING: This story contains mature themes like violence/abuse, murder and character death and things your weak mind and heart might find too offensive. If it's not your cup of tea, please leave, this story is not for you.
Relationships: Jung Wooyoung/Kang Yeosang, Kang Yeosang/Park Seonghwa
Kudos: 6





	1. PLEASE

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This chapter includes mention of child abuse, drugs (pharmaceutical) and depression.

People tried to tell Park Seonghwa that he wouldn't be worthy of his name. He will taint his future with all the wrong choices. He will always be the child that was never meant to do great things.

Growing up with his family is a burden. Too much expectations. Too much disappointments. 

His family are politicians, people who got enough power to impose law on everybody's head. It was also because of their selfishness, that his life had been endangered many times that he start wonder how he's still alive.

He got so many life altering moments that had happen even before he stepped inside a school. He knew by then that people will always be eager to cut off a limb of someone who dissatisfied them.

There's is just two of them in the family. He got a brother who's five years older than him, who was also his confidant. His brother is much stronger than him and always ready to learn about law and politics.

He was never a public speaker. He don't like to ramble things for the sake of image and responsibility. He wanted a wall between him and reality. Reality can easily enter his fine cracks like water but the turbulent echoes of judgmentals aren't easily drown out by his music.

He never wanted to create a mess that won't die with his age. He never wanted to please cause he wasn't born to kiss people's feet. But asking people's understanding on something benign is like asking them to crawl when they can still walk. Human will always do what keeps them floating. Easily swayed, easily betrayed.

But despite his many tribulations, he tried to lead a normal life outside his home. He can be a little more human. He might be young but the lingering taste of drugs are making his tongue numb to the point where it is impossible for him to function without it. It reminds him of how young he is when reality stolen his innocence and youth.

He made it to the point where it's becoming less fulfilling to suddenly get lower dosage but more quantity. At seventeen he drink almost four tablets everyday excluding vitamins and nutrients on stuff he can't eat. 

Seonghwa became aware of the world outside his walls when it suddenly became suffocating. He wasn't ready to face them and even after a while, when he thought he knew the routine, a simple shake woke something within him and throw him back to where he started. It's an endless cycle.

But after everything, in this world full of catastrophes, a person came in like a tornado in the middle of an ocean, he feared his approach on his chaotic life. It was like seeing through thick glasses and yet he's crystal clear.

It was a drizzling morning when Seonghwa and his brother decided to take a detour from the nearest road coming from the supermarket. He insisted that he wanted to learn to drive but his brother was against it cause the road is quite wet for an amateur driver.

He never agrees to anything he wanted that involves him but he decided to pull a card that he wouldn't want to pass. A VIP ticket to Blackpink concert in London.

He tried to coach him on an empty road cause it easier to control when no one is around to cause accident. His brother is never a patient person, so he's just twenty minutes in to his tutorial and he's already complaining about him being slow.

“I'm sorry.” He said sarcastically, “My head never got to work with this contraption before.”

He was about to turn left when a bicycle on the pavement lost balance before it stumbled and hit the car. He immediately shut his eyes and stop the car. He heard a faint thump and when he look out the door, he saw a guy lifting himself from the ground and on the process of taking his bicycle off the road.

His brother immediately went out after he gave him his very this-will-remain-a-secret-but-you-won't-hear-the-end-of-it glare.

He turn off the engine and went out to apologize as well. It wasn't a fatal hit but he fell from his bicycle and probably got some bruises. He tried to look around and was glad that no one is around to witness the small accident.

His brother asked if he is okay or if he he's hurt anywhere. He saw the guy shook his head but his brother look down on his uncovered knees and found that he got a big scratch. He tried to also check his elbow but it's much worse.

“This is quite bad.” His brother said worriedly.

The guy shook his head, “No, this is an old one.”

“I see.” His brother said, “I'm sorry, my brother happens to be terrible driver.”

He glared at his brother before he bowed his head to the guy. “I'm sorry.”

“It's okay, I also lost my balance.” The guy said as he settled his bicycle back on the pavement.

He observed him a bit. He looks young, though the darkness under his eyes tells he been through some sleepless nights.

“Sorry for the inconvenience but I'm really fine.” The guy mumbled, “And I still have to go to the store.”

“What about your bruises. It looks bad.” His brother said as he took a good look at the younger. He took a few bills from his wallet and handed it him. “At least buy an ointment and plasters for that so it won't get more infection.”

He tried to refuse but his brother insisted and put the money on his pocket. He patted him on the back and the guy nodded at him and went away. His brother remain standing till he's gone out of sight and went back inside.

He took a deep breath before he followed him inside. This time he didn't let him hold the steering wheel for a year.

As they took the final route back to their house. He felt relieved that nothing happen to the guy cause he might not be able sleep peacefully if he ever hit anyone on that cloudy morning.

Maybe it's the guilt but there are evenings that the guy cross his mind and there are dreams with him in it. Till he felt familiar with his face but as times goes, he slowly forgot and even on days where he thought about the incident, he can no longer picture his face.

*

After two years. Life became like a crossroad. People lost their way, some gets hurt, some found what they're missing and some start fearing any direction it leads to.

There are times he thought things started getting better, only to start coming back again and he went up by dosage again. He can't skip a day without taking two and it feels like he is being feed with a bitter reality that he is never fine.

He felt more detached with everyone around him. People knew about his family and it's hard to picture the true ones on those who sees his status.

On his second year in middle school. He is a so called model student, he got one of highest grades in their year and the school's vice president. He never knew how he ended up at that position, maybe it's his name or maybe cause they think he's a better image. He wasn't serious about his campaign but he did want an order in their school especially if you are someone who took dignity for studying in a prestigious school.

One autumn, he was asked to give a new student a tour. He was a student from Seoul who transferred to their school.

“Hello, I'm Park Seonghwa.” He introduced himself when he found him seated at the professor's lounge. “I'll be touring you on your first day. Welcome to our school.”

The guy smiled at him and he handed out his hand, “I'm Jung Wooyoung. Nice to meet you.” He bowed his head as he shook their hands, “Please take care of me.”

He is quite talkative for someone who has just been on a new environment. It didn't took days before he made a few friends from his class. Probably because he is a new face and he is good looking.

Though he never agree to it, he start spending lunch with him and his cousin. He just always weaseled his way on their table and start chatting, he can't reject the younger when he seems to be enjoying his company.

He told him he joined a club when he catch him near the school exit. It was the dance club. He said it was the first time he ever joined a club.

“I miss dancing. I used to be asthmatic but I'm better now.” He told him smiling. “I might become a professional dancer when I try my best or even an idol.”

They both laugh. “Good for you.” he replied and recalled his own dream. To make his own choices.

Wooyoung became like a constant companion especially during breaktimes. He gained some friends but he still spends some time with him. Song Mingi and Jeon Yunho are on the same club as him.

They never really been on his radar and the first time they were introduced was also the first time he saw them. They became civil and greeted each other whenever they passed in the hallways.

Almost five months since Wooyoung transferred, a new student from Pohang transferred. He was tasked again to give him a tour of the school. He was given a free period to accompany the new student around and was told to wait for him outside.

The first time he saw him, familiarity hit him but he don't remember meeting him. They shook hands and he learn that his name was Kang Yeosang. Unlike Wooyoung, he is an opposite.

As they walk to the hallway, some students who happen to be running some errands, stopped and look at him carefully. He can only roll his eye from their predictable behaviour.

“This is the library. I will show you a spot in the future where no one rarely goes.” He said when they past the library on the second building.

He's very quiet and mostly just nodded as he scan the area they passed. He noticed that he got a mark around his left eye. “Is this a scar?”

Yeosang smiled and touched it, “It's my birthmark.”

He tried to touch it and got shock from the warmness of his skin, “It's pretty.” He mumbled more to himself.

He notice him smiled before he adjusted the strap of his bag. He suddenly felt horrible for making it awkward.

“You'll be on 1st year, class 1.” He look at his card. “It's on the second floor of building B. The computer and science lab are there too. As well as some clubs, like math, animation and choir.” He said. “If you want to join any club. You can look for the bulletins across the campus and sign-up.”

He check his watch and it's almost time. “It's almost the next period, do you want me to introduce you to your next professor?”

He saw him nodded and they went back to building A and he introduce him to their English teacher.

He left him there so he can attend his next class before lunch break.

When lunch break came, he waited for everyone else to go out before he stepped out of the room. He heard Wooyoung before he saw him. When he turned, he found him with two of his friends and Yeosang. Predictable.

“You know Yeosang already, right?” He said and wondered how he met him when they're all in class 3.

“Yes, I gave him the tour.” He said and turn to Hongjoong who was beside him. “This is Kang Yeosang, the transferee I told you earlier. This is Kim Hongjoong, my cousin.”

“A distant cousin.” He added to his statement. “Nice to meet you.”

Seonghwa found them waiting for him at the gate and he took off running to them.

“Want to eat jajangmyun before we go home. I want to introduce him to our favourite store.” Wooyoung said with his arms around Yeosang's shoulder.

“Sure.” He replied and follow them. 

He was just observing them as they talk. There is really something about him that hits familiarity but he guess it's because he sees himself to him. He also tend be wary.

“Seonghwa, he just live around your neighborhood.” Wooyoung said and turn to look at him.

Yeosang also look back and even when he stared at him, he can't recall him but it's probably been too long since he last saw him if he live around them.

“Really?” He said, “You do look familiar.”

“I always been attending school in Pohang. I just come here during breaks and holidays.” Yeosang replied. “Something happen that's why we decided that I continue my studies here.”

“I see.” He said thoughtfully, “Have we met before.”

He smiled at him, “I was the kid on the bicycle.”

He stood there for few seconds before the images fell back into place, “Oh!” He exclaimed. “You remembered me?”

“What bicycle?” Wooyoung asked.

“I've seen your brother a few times after I was hit.” He said. “You look kinda similar to him.”

“Who hit who?” Wooyoung exclaimed.

“I hit him when I'm just learning to drive a car.” Seonghwa answered.

He smiled and for the first since he met Yeosang, he really look at him and saw the chaos in his eyes. He knew then that he is going to be a permanent guest.

“I can't believe you ended up hitting an actual person.” Wooyoung said seriously but he still found a mirth in his eyes that made him laugh.

*

Yeosang is a very reserved person but a skilled student. He never join any extracurricular activities but he's part of the animation club.

He showed him his works and he may not be a skilled cartoonist, but his drawings got characters and just after two months, his works are already at their school newspaper entertainment section.

There are just handful of people who knew his drawings, that's why whenever his work gets featured for the week, no one teased him in public.

Aside from seeing him on lunch and after class, he always see him hanging out with Wooyoung and his friends. He barely saw him with anyone from class 1. There are times he can't go home without them cause of group projects.

Wooyoung is a social butterfly. He easily befriends someone. His interest is wide range, so he can always make his opinion at any given topic. He is a complete opposite of himself and Yeosang. He keep his social circle small and he never like to talk to people who ask him what he got for breakfast.

He keeps Yeosang within his radar, they're one room away but he easily keeps tab on him. Wooyoung takes care of people he likes. That's is what Yeosang need, someone who'll engage him on things out of his comfort zone, something he can never provide.

He start to notice that Yeosang smile more and confidently answer questions whenever they're at the cafeteria. He also became more talkative on their way home.

There are few weekends where they go to Seoul and both of them would give Yeosang a tour and eat on popular restaurants and spend the night on the hotel so they can continue roaming on Sunday.

On his last year in middle school, Yeosang became closer to him and he got invited on his house a few times to play games. He took a lot on his mother, she is beautiful and gentle with everything that has life. In a short amount of times he been with her, he wish Yeosang took her carefree side, something he yet so see in him.

Seonghwa shared some of his secrets to him and cried a few times cause he never had a chance to do it with someone.

Both of them were never really proud of their past, it is something they wished to bury and forget. But there are wounds and traces that will always lead to your nightmares.

“My father abuse his family. He is an alcoholic and always give us a beating when they spot us.” Yeosang said quietly as he curled himself on foot of his bed. “There are few times I get hit but my older brother get them the most. Even my mother cries when she tends him.”

He saw traces of tears on his face and for the first time he understand the clouds that looms on him for so long.

“We moved here after he died. We cannot live there anymore. Too much things happen there and if we stay, it will haunt us wherever we go.” He said, “He is a good provider, you know. He always gives mother allowance that is more than enough to feed us three times a day. But he becomes a monster whenever alcohol fills his body.”

He tried tied to wipe his tears with a tissue before he continue. While he was rooted on his spot as he absorb his story.

“Three month before we went here. I almost died.” He said.

He whipped his head and saw him choked back his tears and keep his head down, “He threw a bottle of soju on my face. I was lucky I close my eyes shut and bowed my head or else I could have been blind.”

Unknowingly, he wrapped his arms around him and settled his head on his chest, “My mother said I could have died that night. I was revived two times. First, on the way to the hospital. Second, during my operation.”

He knows he got tears on his face too but he wanted to listen. He can find in his voice that it's hard for him to share his story.

“I was in coma for three weeks.” He choked on his own tears, “On those weeks, my mother told me my father almost never left my bedside. Almost.” He shook his head. “My brother never even came to see me cause he is there. But alcohol is always been his temptation. Few hours before I woke up and my father was dead on arrival.” He was sobbing hard now but he can just hug him tighter as the faint sound of television gets drown by his cries.

“He was hit by a car. I woke up with just my brother on my side before some people came in to check on me. When they left, my brother told me and the first thing that came to my mind was, why not sooner.” He punched wood on the bed that startled him before he wrap his arms around him, “He could have died sooner. We could have been free sooner. I wouldn't be in a hospital getting random invitation to the other side. I hate that I'm feed with meds just cause I'm not fine.”

“I felt that.” He whispered to him. “But it's like wearing an armour and one day you'll realise, without them, you will easily be stab and no one is there to stop you from bleeding.”

“The irony.” Yeosang whispered. “Are you drinking meds?” He asked him. He wanted to lie but they are no different.

“Yes.” Seonghwa answered and he looked at him with questions in his eyes. “I drink some in the morning, less in the afternoon but more at night.”

“Are you sick?” He wanted to laugh cause he sounded like a child.

“Yes and No.” He answered and he lifted his eyebrows at him. He didn't hide his amusement. “Yes, I'm sick in the head and no, cause I feel better when I have antidepressants and painkillers.”

“You are handling it well.” He whispered to him.

He smiled down at him, “This world easily misunderstand what they deemed weak people. That's why I have to face them without fears.”

“Fears aren't fears till you make them.” Yeosang told him. “I used to be scared of darkness but now it's one of my comforts.”

“I guess I fear dying. There should be at least one achievement entitled to my name before I allow the grim to take me.” He said and they both laugh. “You're brave, someone should tell you that.”

“It's still early in my story to say that I faced them well. I just not meant to die. Both of us.” He smiled at him, “It means whatever the universe decided to throw at us, let's make a galaxy out of it.”

He smiled down at him and unknowingly kiss the top of his head. He is too engrossed with his mind that he didn't notice that both of their hearts skip a beat.

They promised to each other that even when the world decided to turn it's back on them, they will face them together.

Those words were simply put but to him, it's a lifeline. Cause as he grows older, he became more adamant on how he will choose his own path. He might be disown by his parents but every family needs a stray kid.


	2. don't leave me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of drugs and self-harm

Months moves past like a ripple and Seonghwa left Incheon to study in Seoul. He was accepted in Korea University School of Media and Communication. The same university his brother went except he was in the College of Political Science. His parents had mixed feelings about him pursuing things involves media but it is one step to his goal.

He kept in touch with his friends but it's harder without them around. He got some people to talk to but they're not even close to the ones he left behind.

On his first winter at the university. They surprise him by appearing near his apartment's bookstore. They were casually drinking warm drinks while lounging by the store benches.

He didn't recognize them at first cause they're wearing scarfs but then a familiar laugh turn the eerie sound of winter dusk into something home.

He turn his head and found himself speechless to see his friends running to him before he got engulf by some bone crushing hug.

“You look like an old man.” Wooyoung exclaimed as he took a good look of him.

Nothing much has change in them, they are still the same people he learned to laugh with. When he turn to Yeosang, who was just smiling in the background, hugging his newly purchased books, hasn't changed much. He is still the same as he left. Except he became more talkative around them and a little bit tactless. Which is welcome any day.

He invited them to stay at his apartment, a gift from his parents when he got accepted to his brother's school. They slept on the floor and ate a week worth of his meals in one night with marvel movies on marathon.

He was the last one to sleep at around five o'clock after he cleaned all the mess and settled to lay beside Yeosang. He decided not to stare at him a lot throughout their stay but he missed him too much.

He never showed to anyone but Yeosang was the person he cared the most cause he can be difficult to handle and it'll put him in danger. Even anyone he's seen with.

It's been three years since his parents received a threat. He can recall the words that could still bring chills to him every time he thought of the words and contents of the letter. They did everything to trace them back but it never leads to anyone.

He was reminded to always be careful cause Seoul is a dangerous place but even in the darkest alley, he knows he's safe. It may feel uncomfortable but he is thankful for the people who's tasked to watch for him.

He can always spot them at a distance, being too indifferent but he knows they're just doing their job. His parents might be disappointed at his choices in life but they wouldn't let their kid face a consequence cause they choose negligence.

——————————

It was early spring when he passed the final exam with the most satisfying results. He wasn't trying to be the best student but he was forced in to cramming and he really couldn't say no.

“That is the most nerve-wracking day of my life. I felt like I'm digging a hole whenever I put down an answer and I have to double check multiple times.” Seungmi says as she tightens her grip on her binder. “Did you do well, Seonghwa?”

“I hope I did.” He replied. “We're just freshman, this is mild.”

He heard some of them groan but university is like the largest wall to the real world and you have to make stairs out of spare concretes.

He received a text that their commencement is in two days and it's been a while since he got home.

He went to their graduation and like a proud older brother that he is and took their families for late lunch at a traditional restaurant. It was filled with stories that made their parents either proud or embarrassed from the every antics they keep throwing at one another cause nothing is more embarassing than dragging themselves down, with their parents as witness.

“I never seen snow white with a deep voice and that dress, man, they ruined you.” Yunho said and laugh his eyes out.

“You're the one to talk.” Yeosang growled. “That white dress made you look like a mother of seven troubled children.”

He can only smile as they keep bantering at each other as their parents try not keep them quiet from another table.

It was a refreshing day after months of procrastinating over finals that hep feels dreadful by the end of if.

He spend few more hours with the guys before he bid goodbye and went back his isolated apartment.

It took him almost a week before he tried to talk to Yeosang and asked him his plans while waiting for his exam results.

“I tried applying for part time jobs around here but nothing is vacant.”

He decided to asked him to live with him as he wait for his results. He was astound by the idea but agreed with some conditions that he won't be living with him for free.

He moved in a week later with a permission from his mother that also took a tour of their shared apartment.

“Take care of my Yeosang.” Was her goodbye words to him before she took a train back home.

Yeosang told him that took three entrance exams but none was his school but he wished he'll be accepted in a school somewhere closer somewhere closer.

He was accepted in SNU, in the Physics and Astronomy Department and took astronomy. He expected him to take something less than ordinary cause despite the lack of believing that he can really passed the school, it was one of the only two universities that has Astrology courses, and it took him few more days to convince himself and it was also his mother's dream university.

It was a collercoaster ride.

On years they keep losing their innocence he taught himself to keep his head up but he feared his own clouds. He feared what's inside them and what's inside of him.

His head has a concurrent battlefield but he's glad he's not firing back. He held back the monsters that's keeping him in. Just like how Yeosang fought his.

They keep losing their satiny over the logics of reality but the answer is just within them. They are the warriors of our own battles.

When dark clouds keep building storms on their heads, they would cast a ray of sunshine on each other. He was silent but he always felt that they don't need words to understand each other.

Of the years where he knew him, he felt that even when he almost hit him that morning, they saved a piece of their selves that kept them from slipping back.

They lived to learn. They cry and fall but they crawl back to shout. This world is cruel but their orlay has to worth their damaged youth.

Battles aren't meant to be won alone. But sometimes, the harder you faught the harder it is to come out clean.

—————————

“What kind of demons do you have?” Yeosang asked him one morning after he found him halfway through his meal.

He just finished a glass of wine minutes ago and if he didn't took it in one shot, he could have catch him. He don't like his drinking habits and he would always drink them without his presence cause it triggers him sometimes.

He sighed, “My demons are deeper than yours.” He started.

Yeosang choose to stand by the counter to finish his toast. “You keep the elastic band, I choose the blade.”

He glared at the younger, “Are you proud?”

He can't never really asked him to stop cutting cause somewhere inside his mind, he is as battered as him. They just dealt with them differently.

Sometimes he couldn't reach him when he goes through an episode. He locked himself up and goes out at midnight covered in cuts that the least could be hidden.

He saw it coming but sometimes he wished it never drove him on things that might cause him to fall deeper. As soon as he took final exam on his third year, he asked him to see a psychiatrist.

He was diagnosed with chronic major depression and PTSD and recently, after few months of treatment, he was diagnosed with bipolar. It wasn't surprising but he didn't know it would be that much. Yeosang didn't put them as a bad thing cause given his past, he didn't expect himself to be normal. Normal is too indifferent.

Whenever he look at him, he felt bad that he was not able to save him. Being with him thought him to value all those moments where he smile and ask him questions like this cause on days where he is too quiet, he is staring at an empty shell that drowned with everything around him.

Everything went downhill when he accidentally tasted alcohol. He never saw him so eager to empty his stomach as he choke back all the tears he been keeping in for months.

He felt so bad seeing him began to feel violated and it pained more to know that when he wasn't there, he makes things that his younger self wouldn't even came across.

He held him close some nights when blood was unstoppable but bearable. He healed himself multiple times but his scars are scarring him physically and sometimes, deep ones are harder to hide and he start to feel ashamed of his own skin though he's definitely good-looking.

He saw him grow and distant himself from reality. He never thought it would come to a point where he will become someone he feared himself to become. He wanted to be there to protect him even if he was scared to face them himself.

Yeosang likes complicated things. Life made him strive to do better things. That's why he studied the stars and universe. cause it's suffocating to live on Earth.

His own name means to become a star and how his world is too dim, too covered with smoke and fireless heat.

Yeosang's name means sound resonating from above, like thunder when storm is coming, a catastrophe. Just like his mind, something as loud as thoughts seems to far to reach but still close.

When he confessed to him that he likes him, he told him that he gone nuts. If it wasn't for the lack of jest in his eyes, he wouldn't take him seriously.

He never accepted him but they remain friends. They've been living together for four years now. He plan to moved out in a year and a half after he saved enough money to start renting.

He said he is fine with their arrangement but he insisted, “A grown man should learn independence for him to survive his future wife.”

“Aren't we lucky to live that long?” He asked the younger.

Yeosang threw a pack of ramyun at him out of instinct. “That's bullsh*t and I just threw you a piece of reality so you can move on from your psychotic mind.”

He couldn't help but laugh, he does have death thoughts but at any moment Yeosang would throw him a good side of reality, which is food, yeah.

“I'm heading to the lab now, I might be back late tonight.”

He nodded and took the ramyun to cook later when he gets hungry.

He heard him shout from the doorway before closing the the door.

—————————

“I was four when I witness a murder. It was my grandfather.” He took a deep breath as he recall his worst nightmare.

“To a child, seeing your grandfather get killed in cold blood will change your perspective to the world.” He was hiding beside a statue and it took all his will not to sob as he witness his grandfather eye's void with life. 

“I was the witness. They're able to put them in jail but as I grew older, I know some people will want me dead, like my grandfather. I grew up always looking behind my back in case someone is following me. It would be too easy if I just get shot.” He continue. “I've been too lucky in this lifetime but I wouldn't expect for death to always took favor of me. My life was filled with walls I created but they aren't bulletproof. Race against time is still a blessing, really. At least you know you're dying somehow but life is a fast track and I was reminded to never forget to scream.”

Yeosang stared at him and concluded that the most blessed people and the ones who always put a smile on their faces and reminding everyone to keep smiling are the once who has inner battles greater that their mind could reach.

“Life is easy to be taken for granted, you know. I learn that since I was eight.” He mumbled. “Death. It took innocent lives. It took the good ones first cause they're easy. Helpless.”

“I don't fear death. I fear living with fears that death is the only turning point for someone, anyone to realise something is wrong. It took a hate for the rest to wake up. A body going cold for a justice.” Seonghwa clinched his teeth. “I fear that you go overboard and never wake.”

“Death is inevitable. To feel pain is a way to feel alive. To feel that you're not numb and inexistent.” Yeosang said quietly.

“You don't know what it feels like to be traumatized, to hate blood when all I want to do is cut off my skin and be someone else but I can't!” He shouted, “Everytime I feel pain, it is like being in a shell of a dying person in which I can never bring back. That's why I'm against you marking your skin cause I always feel like I can never save you.”

Yeosang smiled, “I don't understand myself too.” He said, “But when I'm hurting myself, I think about people who I hate and wish they could feel it too. Even when I feel ugly looking at it.”

“Who are the people you hate?”

“I don't know, they're bunch of faceless people.” He said. 

Before he could answer there was a ringing coming from the front door.

Yeosang scowled before he look at the screen and found himself smiling.

“It's Wooyoung.” He said to the other.

He immediately went on to unlock the door and welcome an enthusiastic man. He gave Yeosang the tightest hug he received in a while, “I miss you.” He whispered to him and he can feel the happiness in his voice.

When they detached he smiled and Seonghwa and gave him a hug, “You're better.”

“My, my.” Was his first word and went on to inspect the living room before dropping some bags on the table. He sighed, “If I knew the two is going to hit on each other, I should have just move on with you two.” He said.

Yeosang smiled at the memory of the people he is referring to and he could feel the awkwardness seeping on his words.

He stops and look between them. “You're not together aren't you?”

Both of them scoffed and shook both of their heads and hands wildly as to emphasized.

“Oh, that's good.” He said. He turn to the bags he bought and stops before he stared intensely at Yeosang.

The other just cock his brows.

“What is this?” Wooyoung said, “Don't tell me you didn't?”

Yeosang look at Seonghwa before looking back at the bags then to Wooyoung, “Oh, what I'm supposed to do?” He said nonchalantly.

Wooyoung walk toward him and it took him a little effort not to flinch cause he can see the jest in his eyes.

“You didn't smelled the chicken?” He asked. “Chicken. Fried, Glazed and Prinkle Chicken?”

Yeosang smiled and touched his nose, “I got stuffy nose.” He saw him nodded, “I'll get glasses.”

They seated at the table with three boxes of chicken with soda and cider.

“How are you.” Seonghwa said after they started, “You're a future psychiatrist now.”

Wooyoung smiled, “I didn't know I'm capable till I tried.” He looks at Yeosang and glad that he's eating well. All the foods can disappear in the world except chicken but he's still probably be a happy eater.

“You're too cheerful for a consultant. I always thought you'll be an idol or something.”

Wooyoung chuckled, “I joined a dancing academy though. I won't forget dancing but this profession is my calling.”

He keep stealing a glance at Yeosang. Something was off with him today. He's either being too shy or eating chicken is a serious business.

When they're too full to eat more, they put the remaining food on the fridge and had popsicle before he asked to talk to Yeosang.

They went inside his room and he took in his tidy space. A pile of book is stack near the foot of the bed.

He sat at his bed and gestured him to sit beside him.

“Are you sure you're doing fine?” Wooyoung asked.

He shook his head, 

He look at Wooyoung as he inspect his hand. He frown and look at him like he grew two heads.

“When did this started?”

“Sophomore.” He said quietly.

He sat on the floor while he hold Yeosang's hands and look at him.

“What triggered them.”

He closed his eyes for a second and stared deeply on his eyes. He knows he's too deep but he can only see his younger self in those eyes cause younger Yeosang dreamt having a carefree life as him.

“Alcohol.” He said.

“Why.”

“If feels I'll turn into a monster if I drink them and if I'll get drunk, someone I care the most is going to get hurt.” He whispered, “By me.”

“Every person is different. Why do you think you'll end up like him.”

Yeosang sighed, “I came from him. I take after him so much that I hate seeing myself in the mirror sometimes. I can see the monster I'll became if I took a single step towards his habits.”

“So taking ketamine with your other prescription differ from his path?”

“I don't know, it feels good.” He said. “I'd rather have those than feel at lost whenever I needed to feel something but sometimes it becoming too much.”

“Seonghwa says you wake up screaming sometimes.”

He sighed, sometimes he hate that he hates lying but he became too nosy most of the time.

He took a deep breath, there's no point of hiding, he's already caught. “I don't realise how far I've gone till everything wores off but I still crave for it. It became an endless cycle and I don't regret anything.”

Wooyoung stood up and slowly lifted his sleeves. There, some shots, some are old while other's a few days old. He caress them and he felt him stiffen. “How long.”

It wasn't a question, it was a demand cause never in his years with him that this beautiful soul will be tainted just because reality is a ghost town. There's so much silence but it brings an eerie realisation that at one point you wanted to be there but was asked to leave everything behind.

“Two months.”

He sighed and took him in his arms. He wanted to save him but seeing that he's too deep, it will took him a while. He look down at him and found him crying silently. He wanted to wipe them but they're both hurting and he wanted him to feel free to feel anything cause nothing is okay.

Innocence are meant to be taken away but reality create monsters that fill our heads with doubts and it's scary that it becomes the shadow that no matter how well we thought we are, we are always being followed.

Seonghwa ease himself on the wall as he listen to their conversation. He know he wasn't supposed to listen but he wanted to know things coming from a person who loved him as much as him, it'll he'll give him a peace of mind.

Yeosang succumb to the world where everything is just grey area. You know it's bad but it feels good so he let everything fall into place like it's always been there.

He likes the sane Yeosang, the one who scolds him for smoking and eating too much. The Yeosang that gives him a glare for talking about girls too much. He is that peaceful catastrophe that gives him a scare but also a sense of belonging.

No one is a calm ocean, it's just we tend be a river or a bayou. Sometimes calm but filled with dark secrets. Other times we build small currents but we can be seen clearly if anyone look closer.


End file.
